The Gifts That Keep On Taking

Gift-giving originally started out, I'm assuming (what, I'm a researcher?), not as show of warmth, but as a bribe to the gods for better crops, health, or to win the lottery. I mean, what was around to give as gifts? Rocks?

Ogg: Here, I got you rock.

Moog: I got rock.

Ogg: Now you got spare rock.

Moog: I have pile of rocks in back.

Ogg: Oh.

Leaving cartoon caveman behind and looking at recent history, people find a lot of excuses to give people gifts. Anniversaries, birthdays, and Christmas are examples of just a few of the "frivolous" class of gift-giving. In the case of baby showers, weddings, and house-warmings; the object is to get some free stuff because something had just cost you a shitload of money and you can't afford diapers, food, or really ugly pottery.

Now most of these occasions are genuinely altruistic, but I have noticed a growing trend that I find unsettling. People now give gifts, but rather than just giving you the item for your own pleasure, they attach some kind of requirement or prerequisite that you must agree to before getting your gift.

Recently, I was given a gift by President Wishnack, which I thought he had done out of the goodness of his heart...I should have known better. He gave me iPhone shaped notebooks.

At least it wasn't ticking....THIS time!

Now at first glance this seemed to be a thoughtful gift, recognizing my love of Apple's "i"Products, but looking deeper into the subtext it became obvious that this was a gift born of MALICE and GREED. First, he is aware that I had suffered my second iPhone robbery very recently, so he gives me three iPhone-shaped notebooks to mock my misfortune. Then there is the PS: which clearly implies that the gift was given with the express purpose that I post more blog posts for his enjoyment. Not to help me, but to take his mind off his dreary, mind-numbing phone job. This is but one example of a gift given with a condition attached, thus revealing himself as my arch-nemesis, which I had always suspected.

Next, I was recently given a pre-housewarming present by a couple of friends who had been teasing me for weeks that they had gotten me the "perfect gift", raising my expectations to a crescendo. What they got was indeed very cool...but it had a price!

For the foodie geek in your life.

Knowing I was a Star Wars fan, I was presented with Star Wars themed cookie cutters and pancake molds, but with the stipulation that I had to make cookies and pancakes for the gift-givers. Wait, whose gift is this anyway‽ By the way, as much as I like the villains in Star Wars, why is Yoda the only good guy included? R2-D2 or C-3PO would make fine cookies, and I'd personally think a Han Solo frozen in carbonite pancake would be delicious with some carbonite colored syrup. So one of these weekends I have to go get pancake and cookie mix to appease my "benefactors", who will probably insist upon having bacon or sausage as well. Suddenly I am burdened with cooking a meal and dessert. It seems people are so desperate to get something themselves, they have to attach an automatic return gift with their show of good will.

It is not as though this is anything new, really. Many people who run in much more influential social circles than I will play the game of 'I'll get you something, but you have to get me something too'. This also generally involves out-gifting other present buyers to gain higher favor or recognition. At that level, giving gifts is more of a competition. I also once had a girlfriend who appeared to be of a generous nature, willing to spend quite a lot of money on presents for me...only to turn around and insist that I spend an equal or greater amount on presents for her. Nevermind that she made 3 times my measly income at the time. I didn't mind buying gifts, but it was the standard I was expected to live up to that bothered me. It wouldn't matter what the effort or originality of the gift was, it was the the net worth she was concerned with. Oh, and generally I had to pick from a pre-made list. Needless to say, it took the fun out of making lists for Christmas, as well as shopping and getting presents. I'd have preferred she just spent her money on herself and save me the trauma of shopping at Christmas.

I wonder sometimes if the spirit of gift-giving is completely lost, or if I have just become jaded. I think once it becomes something expected or required, due to a holiday for example, the act looses its luster. Of late I have taken the opinion that gifts should not be churned out, but spontaneous. If I happen to see something I think someone will like, why should I have to store it in my closet and take up space until Christmas comes up. Why should I be forced to find a lame gift for someone because it is their birthday? It just ends up that I can't think of anything appropriate, so I just get a funny book or t-shirt. I think we should ban predetermined gift-buying holidays and just be spontaneous about it. We may get less stuff, but I think we'd actually find out who really cared enough to pay attention and get more meaningful items.

And then I also wouldn't have to cook.