The Push

So this month has been a blog record breaker for me thanks to President Wishnack and his pedophilia accusations. Silver linings and all that. Frankly, I was hoping for the whiskey. I had a record breaking day, week, and month which until recently didn't matter much to me. I was hoping to break 100 visits to the blog for this month, but then I got lazy about posting, so I may just have to offer up another challenge and see where that gets me...or maybe blog more...Hahahahaha, yeah right.

Why are hits important? It's not like I have sponsors or ads from which to make money. That's not why I write, at least not currently. Really, I only started this blog to keep practicing my writing skills, the idea being I could write anything I wanted here. I also wanted a venue in which I could rant whenever I wanted. The funny thing I discovered about writing is that it is not nearly as satisfying if nobody is reading it. I also find myself writing to an audience instead of to myself because I know other people 'might' read it, so it almost demands a response.

Pretty much any time I hang out with President Wishnack, I have to listen to him obsess about his hit count for the day until a smoke break or alcohol distracts him. I'm not even sure why he cares, come to think of it, but it has apparently infected me as well, although not as severely. What irks me most is that out of 70+ visitors to the blog this month, there were maybe two people responding if that. Now maybe I should be satisfied that someone came to the blog, but how do I know they read it? How do I know it impacted or inspired them? Why does it even matter to me?

I guess it is about receiving some kind of validation. Knowing I'm not crazy or that my random thoughts made someone else think, would at least indicate that I wouldn't be just as well off in a coma. What is it that makes some people want to make people think in order to reach out to them? I have no idea but I bet I will have no more than two people offering their opinions about it.

"I'm thinking of something beginning with the letter 'P'."

A Tale of Perversion

Well, I have to say, I am very disappointed in all of you. There is a very good chance that you have arrived here after reading this post. And you probably are thinking one of two things:

1. Those bail bondsmen work quick.

2. America has loose morals and will let anyone walk the streets.

I is innocents I tells ya!

A couple things you should know about me is that I would never defile a vintage Star Wars figure, and, while I have dated someone 15 years younger than myself, they were legal and were not male. They also broke my heart guaranteeing I would never date under the age of 30 again. And honestly, I'm not a big fan of naked children...hell, even cherubs make me feel queasy.

Frankly, the response to this story has only proven that you, not I, are the horrible, depraved individual. Sensationalism is the killer arrow in the tabloid journalists quiver of bait...and you people fall for it every time. Your morbid curiosity and eagerness to swim in the filth of exaggerated storytelling is the hallmark of our society and the reason we still don't have flying cars. Seriously, more money goes into porn and video games than any other industry. I'd show you the studies, but you just think I fabricated them to support my convictions.

And to what do we owe this piranha-like frothing of internet traffic...or to WHOM rather?! It's this man...

Seriously, all he thinks about is McDonald's french fries, when he isn't maligning characters.
(even his clothes are McDonaldsish)

And yet YOU, the gullible public, are willing to eat up any grandiose story he is willing to throw out at you, like chum in shark infested waters. Ok, seriously, I've got some kind of seafood action going on...which only goes to prove I like women!!!

Note to self: Don't blog while drunk after soul-crushing defamation of character.

The REAL truth of this whole story is that it is an elaborate cover-up to mask the horrible guilt that the President is trying to deal with for STANDING ME UP TO GO JOIN A CULT! Oh sure, we were going to have a couple of beers...maybe some pizza...enjoy some traditional Hawaiian music...BUT NO! This guy was off fraternizing with his new spaceship-worshipping puppets...probably dancing around in robes all commando-style and having orgies and Kool-aid.

Ok, I have to admit the orgy part doesn't sound bad. But I'd be very careful of ANYTHING you read on this guy's blog. Seriously...he has issues.

One Step Closer To Homeyness

I'm still digging my way through possessions after my move two months ago. Anyone who has moved recently, unless you are this guy, knows that moving means having a trickle of boxes all over the place for several months...unless you have a basement where you can dump it all for the next 10 years. Seriously, nothing helps you reduce clutter and figure out what is really important like moving to a smaller space.

Within the last week or so, I have made some major strides in getting the living area presentable. Most of the boxes are gone and I can freely move furniture around. The "entertainment center" has been up and running almost since day one. I'm really digging the TV stand I got which raises the LCD TV up and allows me to tilt and rotate it. Also, there is more room for my gaming consoles and chotchkies.

The Great and Powerful LCD!
(too lazy to Photoshop Oz into the screen)

So, order is slowing coming to the apartment, but like the Dude's rug, I needed something to pull the room together. Really, in my case, it was more about making a creative, symbolic gesture that this was "home". I had already known what it was going to be for some time, but it took several years of it resting in storage and the impulse to dig it out and unpack it for it to become a reality. Unlike most of my previous dwellings, I wanted this new one to say a little more than "I like Apple and movies" with my various framed posters. I wanted the expressions to be a little more subtle, a little more varied, and a bit more...three dimensional.

Voila! My first 3D wall sculpture, AND the first thing I put on my new walls.

What makes this sculpture even more significant, beyond the catharsis of designing a new home, is that this sculpture used to hang in my grandparents home. I remember it very clearly as a child being fascinated by it and the fact that it was more than a picture. I was always careful, but it was fun to touch. It is basically all sculpted brass, copper, and wire. The picture doesn't have the best lighting but shows off the color tones the best. It has a very warm tone with it's golds, oranges, and browns. It very much reminds me of my favorite season, Fall, which I essentially gave up by moving to California. I had found out, in my childlike curiosity, that it would make sounds if you touched it. The tiny echos of metal and vibrations. It also seems strong and fragile at the same time. And it was this attachment that prompted me to acquire it when my Grandmother passed away, as it had also hung up in her newer home for many years before she passed. So like the illusionary raindrops that hit the brass umbrellas, memories and feelings drip off this sculpture creating ripples in my mind and heart. It's the first thing I have hung up that makes me think...."home".

Where Trivia Comes From

I'm sure some of you think that Trivia comes from Trivialvania. You are obviously stupid and I don't want you reading my blog. On second thought, I think I only have two readers in spite of having three subscribers, so go ahead and read it, but as soon as I have thousands of readers, please go away. Seriously.

Where was I...oh yes, trivia. According to most dictionaries, trivia is defined as...

pieces of information of little importance or value

It is arguable that any piece of information that exists has, or has had, some significance at some point in time, otherwise why would it even exist?! Trivia, whatever it's original purpose now finds it's primary purpose is to drive millions of alcoholics, or would-be alcoholics, to bars and pubs across the nation in a socially acceptable manner. It is for that very reason that I tend to latch onto odd bits of trivia I stumble upon. I'm not officially an alcoholic yet, but I have lofty goals of achieving it.

Here is the place in the post where I bring "trivia" and "stupid" together in a way that looks like I planned the whole thing from the beginning. Many years ago, before everything was in Wikipedia, people would actually discover new things that people had never seen or heard about before. These people were probably rich, or stupid, or...well, I already said "rich" didn't I. Rich people probably discovered a lot because one, they had the money to do it, and two, they were the only ones who could take four month vacations without their family starving to death. Anyway, these people were probably "on safari" complaining about the heat when they saw an odd thing standing next to a tree, that had a very long neck, and was yellowish with brown spotty patches. Being not particularly clever people, they saw SPOTS and LONG LEGS as the dominant characteristics. The one thing they knew had spots was a leopard. Disney had not yet released 101 Dalmatians apparently. Also, the one thing they knew had knobby, long legs was...a camel. So being the amazing, creativity-barren people that they were, they called this creature a camelopard. Brilliant.

Have you guessed what it is yet? (What blows me away is that my spell-checker actually knew how to spell camelopard)

Anyway, this is the odd video that turned me onto this bit of trivia along with an alternative to my stupidity theory.




Heh...the new, compact, selfish dog.

What's even more interesting is that I was led from the previous video to THIS one..





Seriously, nothing could be cooler that having trivia eventually lead to a hot woman with a sexy foreign accent. Probably what is even sexier is that she actually knows the history of the camelopard, rather than a far-fetched theory, which puts her one up on the rich, stupid people....I mean Greeks. See I learned more trivia. I also learned that David Mitchell has some other funny stuff and even better, he has an iPad/iPhone app for his rants. See, now I even squeezed some tech in there.

So, if you bothered to read this all the way through, you are probably not as dumb as when you came and if you keep it up I won't have to kick you off after those 1000 readers pile up.

There is also a good chance you are watching those other Hot For Words videos and have a woody.

The Gifts That Keep On Taking

Gift-giving originally started out, I'm assuming (what, I'm a researcher?), not as show of warmth, but as a bribe to the gods for better crops, health, or to win the lottery. I mean, what was around to give as gifts? Rocks?

Ogg: Here, I got you rock.

Moog: I got rock.

Ogg: Now you got spare rock.

Moog: I have pile of rocks in back.

Ogg: Oh.

Leaving cartoon caveman behind and looking at recent history, people find a lot of excuses to give people gifts. Anniversaries, birthdays, and Christmas are examples of just a few of the "frivolous" class of gift-giving. In the case of baby showers, weddings, and house-warmings; the object is to get some free stuff because something had just cost you a shitload of money and you can't afford diapers, food, or really ugly pottery.

Now most of these occasions are genuinely altruistic, but I have noticed a growing trend that I find unsettling. People now give gifts, but rather than just giving you the item for your own pleasure, they attach some kind of requirement or prerequisite that you must agree to before getting your gift.

Recently, I was given a gift by President Wishnack, which I thought he had done out of the goodness of his heart...I should have known better. He gave me iPhone shaped notebooks.

At least it wasn't ticking....THIS time!

Now at first glance this seemed to be a thoughtful gift, recognizing my love of Apple's "i"Products, but looking deeper into the subtext it became obvious that this was a gift born of MALICE and GREED. First, he is aware that I had suffered my second iPhone robbery very recently, so he gives me three iPhone-shaped notebooks to mock my misfortune. Then there is the PS: which clearly implies that the gift was given with the express purpose that I post more blog posts for his enjoyment. Not to help me, but to take his mind off his dreary, mind-numbing phone job. This is but one example of a gift given with a condition attached, thus revealing himself as my arch-nemesis, which I had always suspected.

Next, I was recently given a pre-housewarming present by a couple of friends who had been teasing me for weeks that they had gotten me the "perfect gift", raising my expectations to a crescendo. What they got was indeed very cool...but it had a price!

For the foodie geek in your life.

Knowing I was a Star Wars fan, I was presented with Star Wars themed cookie cutters and pancake molds, but with the stipulation that I had to make cookies and pancakes for the gift-givers. Wait, whose gift is this anyway‽ By the way, as much as I like the villains in Star Wars, why is Yoda the only good guy included? R2-D2 or C-3PO would make fine cookies, and I'd personally think a Han Solo frozen in carbonite pancake would be delicious with some carbonite colored syrup. So one of these weekends I have to go get pancake and cookie mix to appease my "benefactors", who will probably insist upon having bacon or sausage as well. Suddenly I am burdened with cooking a meal and dessert. It seems people are so desperate to get something themselves, they have to attach an automatic return gift with their show of good will.

It is not as though this is anything new, really. Many people who run in much more influential social circles than I will play the game of 'I'll get you something, but you have to get me something too'. This also generally involves out-gifting other present buyers to gain higher favor or recognition. At that level, giving gifts is more of a competition. I also once had a girlfriend who appeared to be of a generous nature, willing to spend quite a lot of money on presents for me...only to turn around and insist that I spend an equal or greater amount on presents for her. Nevermind that she made 3 times my measly income at the time. I didn't mind buying gifts, but it was the standard I was expected to live up to that bothered me. It wouldn't matter what the effort or originality of the gift was, it was the the net worth she was concerned with. Oh, and generally I had to pick from a pre-made list. Needless to say, it took the fun out of making lists for Christmas, as well as shopping and getting presents. I'd have preferred she just spent her money on herself and save me the trauma of shopping at Christmas.

I wonder sometimes if the spirit of gift-giving is completely lost, or if I have just become jaded. I think once it becomes something expected or required, due to a holiday for example, the act looses its luster. Of late I have taken the opinion that gifts should not be churned out, but spontaneous. If I happen to see something I think someone will like, why should I have to store it in my closet and take up space until Christmas comes up. Why should I be forced to find a lame gift for someone because it is their birthday? It just ends up that I can't think of anything appropriate, so I just get a funny book or t-shirt. I think we should ban predetermined gift-buying holidays and just be spontaneous about it. We may get less stuff, but I think we'd actually find out who really cared enough to pay attention and get more meaningful items.

And then I also wouldn't have to cook.