Embittered Old Man

If you haven't noticed it by now, I will point out that one of my favorite subjects is psychology. My introduction began when I was in community college and took my first 100-level psychology class. The teacher was quite a character, sometimes coming to class in costume, and always bringing an interesting perspective to an otherwise possibly dry subject. I often wonder if I had gotten a different teacher, would my viewpoints about people and society be drastically different? As it is, I can't help but analyze people and situations as a sort of hobby, using that to explore why people do the things they do. The opposite, I believe, is for people to take everything for granted and adopt a laissez-faire attitude about what goes on around them. I see this as going through life with blinders on, but maybe that is a self-preservation thing. Our lives are filled so so much noise as it is (ok, no comments about blogging), that perhaps most people just can't take on the enormity of what goes on around us in so much detail.

I, for one, often feel overwhelmed by what I see as the "big picture" and all the little trails leading to and away from it.  Not that I understand it, but I find myself compelled to follow. So what is it I'm trying to get at? Well, tonight I became acutely aware of one of the side-effects of looking at society with a microscope...you tend to get bitter. Ok, maybe that isn't everyone's reaction, but I discovered that it was mine. What happened? Well, I went to the store to buy a few things. Mind you, this was my local "Mom and Pop" produce store. It's across the street so convenient to pick up a number of things without hiking to the local supermarket. Besides the owners, there are a number of employees that I often make small talk with, who probably recognize me by face if not by name. Tonight was a little odd. The guy running the cash register asked if he could buy me something. I thought I misheard him. I asked him to repeat and he offered to give me one of the "sample" size bottles of wine they had behind the counter. This took an enormous amount of internal time to comprehend...you know, that time that occurs inside your head when you have to think on your feet? I find this time distortion is greatest when I meet a woman and have to decide whether to ask her on a date. That can seem like years, but I digress. I still couldn't fathom what was going on. I though maybe it was some kind of hard sell to get me to buy more stuff, cynic that I am, but he was genuine. He ended up giving me three small bottles and wishing me Happy New Year. I find myself wondering still if it was his last day or something and he was cleaning out the store. Whether he had some ulterior motive seems irrelevant. He didn't have to offer me anything. Maybe he just won the lottery, or got a raise, or was just...happy. Whatever the reason, it still struck me that I have grown pretty cynical about people and society in general, not even allowing for the possibility that a veritable stranger can have a generous streak.

I find this particularly poignant as we find ourselves within the aura of the holidays. It is supposed to be a time of good will and generosity, but how true is that anymore? Yes, people are throwing the occasional canned good or toy into those collection barrels, but does today's society give us too much leeway to be anonymous? Do we too often say as a collective conscious that someone else will take care of it or make up the difference? Do we no longer expect the community as a whole to be generous, or for individuals to want to be friendly or giving as a matter of course? I don't have the answer to that. I'm not even sure it has really changed my skepticism of the world to be unselfish, but it certainly gives me pause. I think of myself as a good person, but if I cannot see others that way, then maybe it doesn't matter because I'm only contributing to the collective mistrust of people. I guess what I'm getting at is that it is all connected, and that connection can sway people towards awareness or ambivalence. Has society, on average, simply become like Ebenezer Scrooge? Have I become a bitter, old guy before my time?! And are there any ghosts out there that can really change the way we think?

If you think you have any answers, let me know. In the meantime, I'm going to send Bob Cratchit home, count my gold, and try to forget this bit of indigestion I seem to have.

"Don't you dare do anything suspiciously nice or I'll shake my finger at you!"